[Written on January 28, 2017]
I put on the only uniform I would put on for the year. I'm no longer known as student athlete, but now I am just a student who is a softball alum, and I was about to participate in my first alumni game as an alum. I was going to have fun and I was going to do good because the demons of my past would not follow me any longer. I mean I am an alum and my softball career has ended so what business do they have to still be here? I step up to the mound like I have thousands of times before, expecting to do well and to have fun because this game, especially this game, is supposed to be fun, right? I throw my warm up pitches before the inning starts. I try to ignore the shooting pains spreading from my thumb, across my hand, and up my arm. Most of all, I try to ignore the pressure of the thoughts that are building up and about to burst out of the nice little box I locked them up in. As the inning progresses so does my ball to strike ratio. Ball 1. Ball 2. Ball 3. Hit. Ball 1. Hit. One run scores. One thought breaks the lock of my box, "They are all watching you." Ball 4. Another thought. "You were never any good anyways." Three more runs score. "They probably are wandering how you even made it this far." Two more runs. "You really are worthless, Kendall." The inning concludes and I walk off the mound and try to make it look like I have shook it off, but the 6-0 score only reminds me of the thoughts that creeped through. I try to look up and smile, but the shame only weighs me down, not allowing me to make eye contact with anyone, in fear that they too will see the worthlessness I feel. It was in the moments following this that I realized the devil loves sports. We play them for the love of the game, but he plays them for the shame of the game. The devil knows the platform sports can be used as in order to glorify God and he wants to take that platform as his own. He wants that glory and he gets it through our shame and our pride. He smirks in celebration every time a coach makes a degrading comment to an athlete or consistently criticizes their athletes. He claps his hands when an athlete puts their worth in a game. He lets out an approving laugh when an athlete strikes out, makes an error, walks a batter, or even gets an injury because that is his chance to begin to whisper lies into an athletes' ears: "You missed that ball because you aren't good enough. Your coach was right." "All you do is walk batters, what a waste of money you are." "You struck out again? What a disappointment." "You're injured, what good are you to the team now?" [Written April 1, 2020] Believing these lies can result in the crippling sensation that an abundance of shame brings. Letting that negativity take over your mind's state can affect one physically and spiritually and it can follow them long after they leave the confinement of their sport. I am living proof of this. I am finishing this blog post over three years after I started it, mostly because I have time, but also because everything I've written three years ago remains true today. Now I am no longer a player. I haven't had an alumni game in two years. I am on a completely different side of this now. I am coach, Coach Kendall. And just as "player Kendall and "Alumni Kendall" believed those same piercing lies so does "Coach Kendall." The same script from the devil himself runs through my head as I try to learn how to correctly call pitches or as I try to learn the more technical details of the game that I really never had to pay much mind to. "You should know how to do this." "You can't make a difference" "You don't have much to offer." Once again I run into the demons of my past and fall into my pit of defeat. But this time is different. I find myself fighting against him and remembering that my Jesus is bigger and stronger. Jesus fights for me. Jesus has already won this war. MY IDENTITY IS IN HIM ALONE. It's different now. God purposely placed me in this position. He gave me 18 girls. I'm here for them. I'm here to help take out the shame of the game. I'm here to walk them through all the doubts and the lies that will find their way into their precious minds. The experiences that I had in my years as an athlete only prepared for these moments. They prepared me to speak truth to the girls feeling worthless because of the lies of the enemy. They prepared me to relate to the girls dealing with anxiety and self-doubt. But more than anything, they put a fire in me to fight against the enemy and his lies and to speak the importance of putting our identity in Jesus Christ. Jesus is the only foundation that can withstand any storm. He is our rock. "Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock." Matthew 7: 24-25 So yeah, the devil tried. He won a battle here and there, but because of the trials I have had to go through as a result of his lies, I now have a foothold against him. I know his game plan for athletes who have treaded and will tread in the same dark waters as me. I also know the One who has already defeated him. I know Jesus Christ. This is just a little more proof that what the enemy intends for evil, God uses for good. When we put our hope and identity in Jesus we can truly play for the love of the game.
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AuthorJust a flawed, broken human being faithfully trying to serve a perfect Savior. Archives
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