"Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don't look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal's death on a cross. " Philippians 2:3-8
The last time I hugged someone outside of my husband and immediate family was in March. It has been eight months since I have given a high five or pat on the shoulder. It has been eight months since I have taken my place as a coach at the end of the line to give high fives while telling the opposing team "good game." It has been eight months since I have set down inside or outside of a restaurant or shared a drink inside a coffee shop with a close friend. It has been eight months since I made a list of standards and expectations that I would not compromise until I was told it would be safe to do so again. I have had signs and symptoms that align with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as long as I can remember, and because of these signs and symptoms, I have always obsessed over the worse case scenarios and the "what ifs" that could result from a certain action or situation. Usually these obsessions and fears are far fetched and a waste of worry and energy, but when the pandemic hit, I realized how (maybe, just maybe) my what-ifs and worse case scenarios might be helpful in creating boundaries and keeping the ones I love safe. The first step in creating these boundaries was to decide who I would be okay with being around. This answer was obvious to me: my husband and immediate family. I love and miss my friends of course, but family had to take priority. I couldn't take that away from Joel or myself. The choices I would make and the people that I would be around would now be totally dependent on keeping our immediate family and each other safe from this virus that has no cure and very few answers. If my freedom might be able to make someone else extremely sick and puts their lives at risk, it isn't worth it. I find more freedom in choosing to put myself second to those I love. I think about the chain reactions that might happen if I exposed myself to the virus and then exposed those I love. I think about how it would affect my mom who has autoimmune diseases. I think about how it would affect my sister in law who is a NICU nurse. I think about how it would affect my sweet nieces. After I think about my immediate family, I think about how it would affect everyone they come in contact with. I think about the doctors and nurses who put themselves in harms way by being exposed to this virus in order to take care of us. COVID-19 is capable of huge chain reactions that can and will lead to heartbreak and destruction. We have to think about everyone we might affect even if we were just merely exposed. I've learned that a big part of keeping my family safe from the virus is choosing to quarantine if I have traveled or chosen to attend an event. This has only happened a few times. We traveled to Texas to see my family and self-quarantined when we returned. We went camping with my husband's family in Utah and self-quarantined when we returned. We attended a wedding where we wore our masks, stood in the very back, and self-quarantined when we returned. To an outside eye it might look like we are "falling into the trap that the media is setting," and living in fear, but it is a lot bigger than that. It is choosing to love our neighbor. It is choosing to protect those we love and those we don't even know. Trust me when I say, I miss the "normal" more than anything. I wish I could have hugged our friends when we found out they were pregnant. I wish I could hold my players by the shoulders and pray for them on their rough days. I wish I could have stood by my best friend in her wedding. I wish I could shake the hands of those who serve us. I wish I could stand closely to my brothers and sisters in Christ as we worship in church. There are so many things that I crave and miss. I have never spoken well and struggled with anxiety in speaking situations so I have always relied on expressing how I feel through a hug or high five. And out of all the years, this is the year I could have used a hug from a friend or a coffee date with a mentor the most because it has been a year of loss and heartbreak. I know by now some are saying that I could still do all of these things and that is true. I could choose to hug a friend, have a coffee date, or be in a wedding, but I choose not to. I said I wouldn't compromise my boundaries and will continue not too. All these things I've "lost" are things that made me comfortable and happy. They are things that I wanted, but this is much bigger than me and my wants. When we decide to follow Jesus, we choose to leave some things behind. We choose humility. We choose to throw off our pride We choose to look through our Jesus goggles and not our "me" goggles. We choose to make sacrifices that aren't comfortable in order to show the world Christ's love. I can't help but think about Christ's sacrifice. He knew He would be uncomfortable. He knew He would suffer. He knew He would be all alone. He knew He would give up His life. He even prayed for there to be another way, if it was in His Father's will, but there wasn't (Matthew 26:39-42). He gave up Himself so that we could have salvation through Him (Mark 10:45). He valued his friends, family, neighbors, and thousands of years of lives to come more than He valued His freedom, more than He valued His own life. Sacrifice is a huge part of imitating Christ, loving God, and loving our neighbors. My mom works in a school and she told me about two young sisters who refuse to take off their masks and their shields. They are insistent about leaving them on. This made me smile. I'm not sure what their parents told them, but something stuck in the minds of these babies. I couldn't imagine having toddlers or young kids during this time and having to explain the pandemic to them, but I also can't imagine a better way to teach them what loving their neighbor looks like. When the kids ask why they have to wear masks, why not tell them it's simply because you are loving your neighbor and keeping them safe. Part of me feels like they might just take that and run with it. There are few things as pure and empathic as the heart and faith of a child. We must get to a place where we can have that same empathy and faith as a child. We must get to a place where we practice selflessness. We must get to a place where we are okay with sacrificing a tiny bit of our freedom and comfortability for the well being of others. Yeah, it can be hard and it can really suck, but we weren't promised easy lives, especially if we are Christ followers. We are called to live for Someone entirely bigger than ourselves. We can be thankful for the freedom and the rights we have in the United States of America and we should be. We are blessed. However, we shouldn't value the freedom we have in the USA more than the freedom we have in Christ. We experience true freedom in Jesus Christ (John 8:36). We shouldn't value the things that we love more than the safety and well-being of the people we love. We shouldn't value our comfortability more than we value the calling on our life to love our neighbor (Mark 12:29-31). I understand that I could do everything right and still end up with COVID-19, but at least "I left it all on the field." I did everything I could to love my neighbor. I also understand that we are free to choose how we are going to manage living in a pandemic. For a lot of people it is inevitable to avoid crowds because there still is work to be done and an economy to take care of, but we can still love our neighbor by wearing a mask and keeping our distance. I'm not writing this to change anyone's mind or to call anyone out. I simply want this to be a reminder that we are called to love our neighbor even if it makes us uncomfortable. "This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends." John 15:12-13
0 Comments
[Written on January 28, 2017]
I put on the only uniform I would put on for the year. I'm no longer known as student athlete, but now I am just a student who is a softball alum, and I was about to participate in my first alumni game as an alum. I was going to have fun and I was going to do good because the demons of my past would not follow me any longer. I mean I am an alum and my softball career has ended so what business do they have to still be here? I step up to the mound like I have thousands of times before, expecting to do well and to have fun because this game, especially this game, is supposed to be fun, right? I throw my warm up pitches before the inning starts. I try to ignore the shooting pains spreading from my thumb, across my hand, and up my arm. Most of all, I try to ignore the pressure of the thoughts that are building up and about to burst out of the nice little box I locked them up in. As the inning progresses so does my ball to strike ratio. Ball 1. Ball 2. Ball 3. Hit. Ball 1. Hit. One run scores. One thought breaks the lock of my box, "They are all watching you." Ball 4. Another thought. "You were never any good anyways." Three more runs score. "They probably are wandering how you even made it this far." Two more runs. "You really are worthless, Kendall." The inning concludes and I walk off the mound and try to make it look like I have shook it off, but the 6-0 score only reminds me of the thoughts that creeped through. I try to look up and smile, but the shame only weighs me down, not allowing me to make eye contact with anyone, in fear that they too will see the worthlessness I feel. It was in the moments following this that I realized the devil loves sports. We play them for the love of the game, but he plays them for the shame of the game. The devil knows the platform sports can be used as in order to glorify God and he wants to take that platform as his own. He wants that glory and he gets it through our shame and our pride. He smirks in celebration every time a coach makes a degrading comment to an athlete or consistently criticizes their athletes. He claps his hands when an athlete puts their worth in a game. He lets out an approving laugh when an athlete strikes out, makes an error, walks a batter, or even gets an injury because that is his chance to begin to whisper lies into an athletes' ears: "You missed that ball because you aren't good enough. Your coach was right." "All you do is walk batters, what a waste of money you are." "You struck out again? What a disappointment." "You're injured, what good are you to the team now?" [Written April 1, 2020] Believing these lies can result in the crippling sensation that an abundance of shame brings. Letting that negativity take over your mind's state can affect one physically and spiritually and it can follow them long after they leave the confinement of their sport. I am living proof of this. I am finishing this blog post over three years after I started it, mostly because I have time, but also because everything I've written three years ago remains true today. Now I am no longer a player. I haven't had an alumni game in two years. I am on a completely different side of this now. I am coach, Coach Kendall. And just as "player Kendall and "Alumni Kendall" believed those same piercing lies so does "Coach Kendall." The same script from the devil himself runs through my head as I try to learn how to correctly call pitches or as I try to learn the more technical details of the game that I really never had to pay much mind to. "You should know how to do this." "You can't make a difference" "You don't have much to offer." Once again I run into the demons of my past and fall into my pit of defeat. But this time is different. I find myself fighting against him and remembering that my Jesus is bigger and stronger. Jesus fights for me. Jesus has already won this war. MY IDENTITY IS IN HIM ALONE. It's different now. God purposely placed me in this position. He gave me 18 girls. I'm here for them. I'm here to help take out the shame of the game. I'm here to walk them through all the doubts and the lies that will find their way into their precious minds. The experiences that I had in my years as an athlete only prepared for these moments. They prepared me to speak truth to the girls feeling worthless because of the lies of the enemy. They prepared me to relate to the girls dealing with anxiety and self-doubt. But more than anything, they put a fire in me to fight against the enemy and his lies and to speak the importance of putting our identity in Jesus Christ. Jesus is the only foundation that can withstand any storm. He is our rock. "Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock." Matthew 7: 24-25 So yeah, the devil tried. He won a battle here and there, but because of the trials I have had to go through as a result of his lies, I now have a foothold against him. I know his game plan for athletes who have treaded and will tread in the same dark waters as me. I also know the One who has already defeated him. I know Jesus Christ. This is just a little more proof that what the enemy intends for evil, God uses for good. When we put our hope and identity in Jesus we can truly play for the love of the game. As I take time to reflect on the Haley Fagan and Auburn players' situation, my heart has become more and more broken. I have looked at this from a former collegiate athlete's perspective, a coach's perspective, and a spectator's perspective, but I have failed to look at it from the perspective of someone who is supposed to be faithfully pursuing the Lord. My first initial reaction was " SERIOUSLY" when I read about the Marajuana and drug charges that these three Division 1 NCAA athletes were facing. The former athlete and coach in me immediately thought about well-being of the team and the selfish decisions that would negatively impact Auburn's softball team and possibly even the entire athletic program. The decision that one person makes DOES impact the entire team. When you really love your team and your school, you would do absolutely anything to make sure that the chemistry of the team and the reputation of the school is not harmed in any way. Being a part of a team is all about integrity, honesty, self-discipline, honor, and sacrifice. I became a little angry when I thought back to the encounter that Haley Fagan had with the Florida coach, Tim Walton, about a month ago. While the nation was watching Fagan for that encounter, she messed up even worse. " She had it coming" was sadly my first reaction when I read about the news. I read posts and heard comments that sounded like "what goes around comes back around" or "she deserves it." While I do not agree with what these athletes did, and I do believe that they should face every consequence of their actions, the Holy Spirit began to convict me of the thoughts and comments I made and had about Haley Fagan. This led me to put my Jesus glasses on. I've always been curious about athletes playing at the Division 1 NCAA level and professional athletes and their faith. After Haley's encounter with the Florida coach I looked up her Twitter account. I wanted to try to see if I could pick up on her character and what kind of person she actually was. I was caught off guard as I read her bio on her account which says, "Proverbs 4:23". This verse reads, "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." If you look at a picture of Haley's left forearm you can see a tattoo that reads "Audience of One." The "Audience of One" being God. If you look at her Instagram bio it says, "Jesus has my heart." Finally, if you look at her most recent tweets you would see that on Good Friday she posted, "He was crushed for our sins. The punishment that brought us peace was upon Him. And by His wounds we are healed!" The one tweet that hit me the hardest was posted on Easter Sunday and it said, "auburn softball fans please wear white today.... we will be wearing all white uni for Jesus! #ResurrectionSunday." In all honesty, my first thought was "How are you going to post all these things about Jesus, yet still blow it 4 days after Easter? People are looking at you as a Christian and they are going to see you messing up and not doing what is good, pure, holy, and Christ glorifying." Then Holy Spirit overwhelmed me with conviction again when I looked closer at Fagan's mug shot. I saw a girl who is my age who messed up. I saw tears, fear, regret, and sadness. I saw a broken human being, just like me, who messes up, just like me. I saw brokenness in a broken person, who I am confident, truly does love the Lord. She just happened to stray away and stumble. I was reminded of why I so badly want to go into coaching, and I was reminded why I feel called to go into the broken places. I want to coach in broken places because of the broken people that I am bound to meet. I want to walk into that brokenness and use my brokenness to relate and empathize. I want Jesus to be able to shine through my brokenness to those who do not know Him and to those know Him, but have strayed away for a moment. I've dedicated the past five year of life to studying, learning, and being shaped into a coach who will coach broken people. I'm in this for the Haley Fagans'. Jesus is in this for the Haley Fagans'. Jesus in this for me. Jesus is in this for you. The one thing we all have in common is that we are broken and we are in need of of the grace and mercy that only Jesus gives. My prayer for Haley Fagan and for any other athletes who finds themselves in these types of ordeals is this: That God will keep their eyes off of the negative comments and ugly words from those who do not even know them. I pray that they point their eyes toward Him and keep them their. I pray that they do not carry their past mistakes around with them, but instead they use it to grow stronger in their faith and to impact those around them someday. I pray that they remember that they are loved by the King of Kings and the giver of chance after chance. I pray that their identity is placed in Him always, and that they remember as Haley said on Good Friday, it is "by His wounds we are healed!." I pray they remember that they truly are living for an audience of One and that is the only audience who will fill them with hope, joy, peace, and comfort, even in the hardest of times. Saturday as Joel took me to the airport I told him that I was praying that someone from Biola would be on one of my flights. I prayed this just in hopes to have somone with something in common with me in order to not make the travel rush during Christmas season seem so exhausting and overwhelming. There are times where I get traveling anxiety as well, and I begin to think of everything that could possibly go wrong on an airplane. The prayer was quick and simple, and as soon as I entered the airport I forgot my small prayer and hurried through security to get to my gate. I eventually made it to my gate, where the closest I got to anyone from Biola was seeing a girl which I have only seen around campus. I introduced myself to her and told her to have a good Christmas as they called my flight for a gate change. I was content with my small passing by of a fellow Biolan and went on my way, not expecting to see anymore familiar faces.
When I arrived at my new gate, my festive "Feliz Navidog" sweater caught the attention of a woman who was holidng two small dogs. She aknowledged my sweater and I went to pet her dogs. We learned that we were on the same flight so I set next to her. She was a younger woman, mid-thirties, from California. Her friend who was with her informed me that she was pretty wealthy for her age. They both told me they knew where Biola was, and despite what seemed like our oppisite lifestyles, they genuinely said "good for me." I helped them out with their dogs and in return they bought me a water and saved me a seat next to them on our flight to Vegas. God ordained airport meeting number 1. I made it to Vegas only a few minutes delayed, and went to my gate where I learned that my flight to Midland was delayed for four hours. I waited and waited, until finally I learned that my flight had been canceled due to the weather. Used to constant delays, I made my way over to customer service to figure out my new route home. I kept in good spirits and remained optimistic. Not remembering the simple prayer I had said six hours earlier, I struck up a conversation with a woman, who stood next to me in line. She asked me if I was coming home from school, and told her I was. She asked me from which school and ready to explain where and what Biola was, I was struck with shock as she told me that she had literally just graduated from, you probably won't beleive it, but yes she graduated the day before with a Masters in Christian Apologetics from Biola Univeresity. WHAT??!?!? Having tons to talk about, I learned that she was from Midland as well, and she was the mom to girls who are my age. Natrually, I gained a mom during my journey, which is NEVER a bad thing; especially if your flight is redirected to Phoenix and you are stuck there for the night. Because of this God ordained airport moment I had a place to stay, someone to talk to that I could relate to, and someone to take care of me as I traveled city to city just trying to get back home. God's providence came in the form of a stranger who also happened to be the answer to my simple prayer. I have found in the moments of stress or in the midst of unfavorable circumstances, if you choose to be optimistic and if you choose to be thankful and remember that joy comes from Jesus even in the moments when the rest of the world would not be able to find the slightest ounce of happiness, you are sure to see and recoginize all the work God is doing around you. Paul teaches us this when he and Silas are wrongly accused, beaten, and thrown in prison in Acts 16. In the midst of their unfavorable and uncomfortable situation, Paul and Silas are still singing worship songs and praying in their prison cell, being content and thankful, even in the worst of situations. They are resting in the presence of their God whom they know will provide for them and take care of them. We should follow that example even in the smallest, most stressful situations that we find ourselves in. It is when we become pessimistic and develop a negative, unthankful attitude that we miss seeing God work and we could even miss the answers to our smallest prayers. If I chose to be closed off and negative while I stood in line at customer service, I might have never paid attention to the women next to me who was singing along to a Christmas song that was playing in the airport. It was her positive, Christ-like spirit, which made me feel like I was not alone as I ventured through airports, and it was this God-ordained moment where I gained my Biola big sis, Lorie. Finally as we stood and talked to the lady who worked with missing luggage at Midland's airport, trying to find our luggage, we learned that this lady working IN THE MIDLAND AIPORT ( I repeat: WE ARE IN MIDLAND NOW PEOPLE) grew up on Biola Ave (I REPEAT SHE GREW UP ON BIOLA AVE). This lady who grew up on Biola Ave, was now working in the Midland Aiport having a conversation with a Biola Graduate and a current Biola undergrad. HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN?!?! ONLY BECAUSE GOD IS ALMIGHTY AND FAITHFUL. I have seen God's providence in my life more than one time this past semester. I believe He is the God of miracles and a God who equips us with what we need to help expand His Kingdom. I believe that He hears and answers our prayers, even when we forget that we have even prayed them. One thing I have learned from this all is that I should be specific when I pray. Instead of just praying that I get to Midland safely, I should add "safely and on time." ;) THANK YOU JESUS FOR BEING MY LIGHT AS I WANDER BETWEEN CALIFORNIA AND TEXAS AND IN ALL THE MOMENTS IN BETWEEN. I have eaten a crepe under the lit up Eiffel Tower. I have walked the streets of Belgium. I have explored the the many parts of Amsterdam (some I wish I hadn't.) I have watched the Pacific Ocean roll over the sand onto my feet while the sun has set. I have held the hand of the man I love at Disneyland on a December night. I have eaten alligator in the swamps of Louisiana. I have looked in awe at the beauty of Washington state and walked through the touristy spots of Seattle. And to top it off, in the next few hours, I will land in Cuba and get to share the gift of Jesus with the platform of softball with the women and children of this country. I have done more than some people will do in a lifetime, but I have done only a small fragment of what many people have done in their lifetime. I am blessed, but I am cursed. I am happy, yet I am guilty. I wish I could have taken people with me to each of the places I have visited. I wish I could have taken my mom to Belgium where she could have been a train ride away from Germany. I wish my Dad could have seen me play softball in Louisiana. I wish my sister could have experienced Disneyland with me. Many times I feel guilty that I get to do things that others will never even get the chance to experience. And I get to do these things at the expense of others, at the expense of those who don't get to experience the things which I have. But none of these experiences matter when compared to eternity. I never found joy in the sights I have seen and the things I have experienced. To be honest the time I felt the most joy in my life was when I was a freshman in High School lying on rock bottom, searching for something to fulfill my longing for love and hope in order to fight on to the next day. I reached out my hand to my Savior and gasped my first breath of fresh air. I found joy in that moment because I found Jesus. Jesus is my joy. Jesus is your joy. I found joy in the tiny chapel in the middle of nowhere Texas. I didn't find it at the beach, on the streets of Belgium, I didn't even find it on the "Happiest Place on Earth." I found it when I met Jesus. And as I continue to grow and go visit more places and do more things, this remains true. The first few months of my move to California were rather dark, lonely, and scary. But as I grew more dependent on God, I began to experience the same joy I did a few years before. Only this time, I was taking my 20 minute walk to school (since my car did not make the trip to California). In those 20 minute walks I began to thank God for what He has given me, and when you become thankful it is easy to find renewed strength and joy in Jesus Christ. The God who is the God of small town Texas is the same God of Paris. The God who is the God of Beverly Hills is also the same God who is the God of impoverished third world countries. God is the same no matter where one goes. God is the same rather He calls you across seas or you never move from the small-town which you have lived your whole life in. We could dream about going to places we may never get the opportunity to go to or like me, we can sit here and feel guilty about all the things we have been given the chance to do. But dreams have the ability to hold us back, as does guilt. We can miss the very joy of the moment while longing for somewhere we're not or wallowing in our guilt. We can miss the opportunity to love someone who needs it. We can miss the opportunity to somehow find God in a tumbleweed rolling across a dirt road (as silly as it sounds). We can miss time with those we love. The things which we miss when we are wishing for something else are the most important things that God has given us. What really is better? Traveling the world and missing the opportunity to have deep relationships with those around you, or staying in the same town which gives you the opportunity to invest in those around you year after year after year? Would you rather travel the world and see every great wonder of the world? Or would you rather stand in front of the Creator of the world and hear Him say, "Look at all these people which you spoke My name to. Look at all these people you spent the time to love and invest in. Well done my good and faithful servant." Traveling is fun, don't get me wrong. I like it a lot. But it isn't worth feeling guilty over or longing for in an unhealthy way. I know some person in a third world country feels more joy than I ever will and they have never set foot in another country. That same person in that third world country has probably impacted more lives and loved more people than I could ever even imagine. It is not about traveling, money, name-brand clothes, etc. It's about Jesus. So my challenge to you (myself included) is to be present. Be present in His presence. Be still and stop wanting and worrying and feeling guilty and just be His. This life is only a blink compared to Eternity with the Maker. Long for Heaven, long for His presence and that will be your ultimate traveling experience. You don't have to feel guilty. I don't have to feel guilty. You don't have to long for things of this world and neither do I. Live in the now and love without boundaries. |
AuthorJust a flawed, broken human being faithfully trying to serve a perfect Savior. Archives
April 2020
Categories |